Scene 12


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Pontius Pilate

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[trumpets]
PONTIUS PILATE:
...Make one large living awea. Ahh.
CENTURION:
Hail Caesar.
PILATE:
Hail.
CENTURION:
Only one survivor, sir.
PILATE:
Ah. Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION:
What, sir?
PILATE:
Thwow him to the floor.
CENTURION:
Ah.
[whump]
BRIAN:
Aagh!
PILATE:
Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?
BRIAN:
'Brian', sir.
PILATE:
'Bwian', eh?
BRIAN:
No, no. 'Brian'.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE:
Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.
CENTURION:
Has what, sir?
PILATE:
Spiwit.
CENTURION:
Yes. He did, sir.
PILATE:
No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.
CENTURION:
Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.
PILATE:
So, you dare to waid us.
BRIAN:
To what, sir?
PILATE:
Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
[slap]
BRIAN:
Aaah!
CENTURION:
Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?
PILATE:
What?
CENTURION:
Thwow him to the floor again, sir?
PILATE:
Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.
BRIAN:
Aah!
[whump]
PILATE:
Now, Jewish wapscallion.
BRIAN:
I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.
PILATE:
A Woman?
BRIAN:
No, no. Roman.
[slap]
Aah!
PILATE:
So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?
BRIAN:
He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
PILATE:
Weally? What was his name?
BRIAN:
'Nortius Maximus'.
CENTURION:
Ahh, ha ha!
PILATE:
Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
CENTURION:
Well, no, sir.
PILATE:
Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
CENTURION:
Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir,... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
GUARD #4:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
What's so... funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?
CENTURION:
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
PILATE:
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
GUARD #4:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
BRIAN:
Can I go now, sir?
[slap]
Aaah! Eh.
PILATE:
Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.
GUARD #4:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
Wight! Take him away!
CENTURION:
Oh, sir, he-- he only--
PILATE:
No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
CENTURION:
Yes, sir. Come on, you.
GUARD #4:
Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hoo...
PILATE:
I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
GUARD #1:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
...Dickus?
GUARD #1:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
GUARD #3:
[chuckle]
PILATE:
...'Dickus'?
GUARD #1 and GUARD #2:
[chuckling]
PILATE:
He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.
GUARDS:
[laughing]
PILATE:
Stop! What is all this?
GUARDS:
Ha, ha ha ha ha ha...
PILATE:
I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not-- Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!